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Friday, November 7, 2008

Saying the magic words: I Love You

When, in the course of events, one finds himself or herself desperately wanting to say the three scariest, and most beautiful, words in the human language; it is necessary to consider the wisdom of such a statement. Often, it is evident that it is not wise to say what you really mean when it comes to people. The timing must be determined quite carefully.

If you really think it's necessary to say the words, click here for a list of how to say "I Love You" in almost all Languages.

But if you prefer to wait, here is a short list of possible ways to avoid blurting out this wonderful little sentence:


  1. Stare deeply into the eyes of your new love, and bite your lip very hard. Smile. I find this is my most common approach, it usually works, but your lips will hurt after a while.

  2. Think of something to do other than engaging in the beautiful silence that makes you desperate to blurt out your feelings. Physical distractions work well. Play with the hair of your beloved. Poke her in the armpit playfully. Nibble on his ear.

  3. If the words start to come out by mistake, be creative. You can even rescue yourself in the most drastic of circumstances. For example:

    YOU: "I lo . . . ath your mother."

    YOU: "I love . . . to have lots of wild sex!'"

    YOU: "I love you . . . kulelies! We should go to Hawaii sometime."


  4. Pretend to cough, to "break up the moment".

  5. Try to picture that beautiful person taking a shit. I know it is a rude awakening, but we all do it, and the thought helps distract you from your emotions.

  6. Instead of saying, "I love you," say "I love your eyes," "You're so sexy," or "Yummy." These are similar, but not nearly as dangerous, ways to express some of the emotion that you feel.

  7. If it is a woman that you love, suggest that she join your quilting circle. She will be very confused and the mood will be lost.

  8. Find a kitten and give it to your love. You don't need to say a word in this case. (Make sure your love doesn't collapse convulsing, while around cats, first.)

  9. Use the restroom. This is a very easy way to avoid multiple, uncomfortable situations.

  10. Become extremely talkative. If you talk all of the time, you can just keep talking instead of allowing for those uncomfortable pauses.

  11. Tape your mouth shut. This method doesn't usually work for long, so it is only a supplemental method.

  12. Never allow yourself to be alone with the person that you think you love. Go out with friends. If you don't have friends, make them quickly. Party with the people on the sidewalk (unless you live in Washington D.C.)

  13. Make use of your habits. When the mood is tense, grab a cigarette, mix a drink, make a sandwich, chew on a pen cap, holler random obscenities out the window, or pet the cat.

  14. Get a cell phone. Set the alarm to ring at random intervals. Pretend to have heated discussions with your Ex. This generally helps break up the mood.

  15. Buy a computer and learn to code.